Unless you live under a rock or just generally pay absolutely no attention to the world around you, there is a growing epidemic in college towns and cities around the nation. The epidemic has to do with energizing drinks, pills, shots etc. I decided to take it upon myself to experiment with these products and give my results.


1. The classic cup of coffee: After one cup, it was hard to notice much of a difference, so I decided to up the dosage. After a few more cups, I began to feel as if I were having some sort of nervous anxiety attack.... It did make me more energized, but that's because I had this uncomfortable feeling rushing through my body that made me want to kill myself.

After returning my blood pressure to the appropriate levels and gaining control of my increased heart rate.... it was onto the next product.....

2. Red Bull:  Instead of buying the midget can, I decided to go for the huge can that looks kind of like a fire extinguisher. After chugging the entire can I felt like that Violet girl from Willie Wonka. I was waiting for the oompa loompas to come take me off to be dejuiced when I felt the first sensations of crack energy begin to take affect. The sensation is somewhat similar to the coffee, except there is this hot feeling and a need to shake your legs. I wanted to run around or play a sport, but I feared I would puke up blood if I engaged in such activities. I lost all abilities to focus, due to the fact that I was just thinking about my heart exploding. After an hour or so, I began to feel the crash. The crash makes you feel like you have a hangover. You've just come from the highest level you can reach and now you feel like you have the energy level of an 85 year old man.

After a much needed detox of alarming amounts of energizing chemicals, it was on to the next selection.......

3. 5 hour energy: These little shots are said to contain about as much caffeine as your common cup of coffee. The driver behind this drink, is enough B vitamins to last you a lifetime. I decided to go with the max shot in the black container.. I turned it up and let the sweet taste of battery acid and fruit slide down my throat. The energizing sensation began shortly after I wanted to throw up. The feeling is much different than coffee and red bull.. It feels as if you have this warming alertness going on. I was able to focus, but I felt a little nausea coming on at the same time. After about 10 minutes of holding down my vomit... I began to feel as if I couldn't open my eyes wide enough. The name suits this product very well.... After 4 hours of shaking uncontrollably I was ready for a break. The good thing about B vitamins, is they don't make you crash.... you just begin to slowly get your calm back and eventually you slip back into regular energy levels. In smaller dosages this is the best product you can get over the counter. The next product was probably illegal, but go ask any college student and they'll tell you they've had it...... Adderall.

4. Adderall: is easily prescribed by any doctor who believes the whole world is ADD. Simply walk in an office and tell them you have a hard time concentrating when you try and read the Unabridged History of Prussia, and you'll be given a prescription of Adderall. These pills are based on amphetamines. After taking the pill you will begin to feel the affects in about 20 minutes. The sensation is fantastic... you don't feel anxious, or sick, you just feel alert and interested in everything. You can focus on the most boring things for hours. You can read Tolstoy's War and Peace and write a 30 page essay in a little under an hour.... it's great for school. The only drawback to Adderall is it will usually make you crap out something that resembles the La Brea Tar Pits. But after crapping out the 75% of the water your body is made up of, you'll be back to feeling the great affects of Adderall without having to do most of your studying on the toilet. Unlike the 5 hour energy shot, Adderall does make you crash.... you'll feel like a crack head going into detox for an hour or so... but then you'll be fine.

Disclaimer: I do not recommend any of these products to anyone.... I recommend you leave your adrenal glands and blood pressure levels at their natural state..... but if you don't mind explosive diahrrea, mild heart attacks, and anxiety then be my guest.